Attachment, Life Cycle and Spiritual Journey

The Buddha teaches that our suffering comes from our attachments to our ideas and beliefs about ourselves, the world, and they way things should be. To avoid suffering, we need to give up our attachments.

In a conversation with a Japanese Buddhist friend, he explained to me that in Buddhist cultures like Japan, they recognize that adolescents and people in general developmentally need to make attachments to family, culture, and self-identity before they move on in the spiritual journey towards detachment.

In the field of psychology, John Bowlby has demonstrated that secure attachment between primary caregiver (typically the mother) and child in early childhood gives children the security and confidence to grow into independence, exploring their world with confidence, and returning to the safety and protective field of the caregivers presence when needed. (as cited in Karen 1994)

Erik Erikson created the psycho/social model of development identifies various developmental crises that we go through on our journey towards our full humanity.(Newman) These stages are:

• Trust vs. Mistrust;
• Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt;
• Initiative vs. Guilt;
• Industry vs. Inferiority;
• Group Identity vs. Alienation;
• Individual Identity vs. Identity Confusion;
• Intimacy vs. Isolation;
• Generativity vs. Stagnation;
• Integrity vs. Despair;
• Immortality vs. Extinction.

Each of these crises could be interpreted as moving from a necessary attachment to detachment, which leads to developing the strength and resilience to prepare for the next stage of attachment/detachment crisis.

The Christian Myth (myth meaning a truth larger than the the story itself) demonstrates this reality in the movement of Jesus from birth to attachment to his Father God, and attachment to his ministry and friends, to his painful agonizing surrender and detachment from all of those: betrayed and abandoned by friends, mocked, scorned and tortured, and feeling abandoned even by God ("My God why have your forsaken me?"). All of this served as necessary steps in preparation for his new life as resurrected and living God.

Counseling sometimes accompanies people in their discovery of old attachments they need to let go of, discovering new stages of life and meaning and new attachments, of sometimes accompanies people through the painful periods, and always looks forward to new experiences, to resurrection, and to new life.

Karen, R (1994). Becoming attached: first relationships and how the shape our capicity to love. Oxford University Press, Oxford.

Newman, B & Newman, P (2003) Development trhough life: a psychosocial approach. Wadsworth/Thompson Learning. Belmot, CA.

Encouragement

My ninth grade PE coach made us jog a mile as warm-up for our day’s activities. I experienced those four laps as an interminable distance that I barely had the strength and stamina to finish. I plodded, pounded, huffed and puffed along and felt miserable. Then one day, a classmate, who ran cross-country and was always nearly a lap ahead of everyone else, said “Come on Jay, stick with me. You can do it. Just stretch your legs out a little more.” And from that day forward, I had a companion; I ran with a friend, I ran lighter, with more energy, and with joy.

Sometimes counseling works like my friend, a little encouragement, a little coaching, and having someone alongside you during the journey.