Freedom from 'Shoulds'

Squelching my anger sent me to counseling the first time. I grew up believing that good people don’t get angry. I believed I was a bad person if I felt angry, much less expressed anger. I thought “Thou shalt not get angry” must have been one of the Ten Commandments. My family taught me those beliefs.

I have since learned the Bible really teaches “do not let the sun set on your anger” (Eph 4:26). I understand anger as a God given alarm system to help me know something is wrong, something I need to pay attention to and resolve: either by giving up false hope and expectations, or by taking action to protect myself or to confront the threat.

The cognitive/behavioral schools of counseling teach that we suffer when we live by distorted thoughts and beliefs. These theories name “shoulds, musts, and oughts” as a type of thinking error. I lived by the thinking errors that 'I should not get angry.'

Sometimes we confuse the ‘shoulds’ we have been taught, (by family, church, culture) with reality. As pastoral counselors, we practice being sensitive and respectful of our client’s spiritual beliefs and emotional feelings while helping them to give up false and unhealthy beliefs, and to make life giving choices.